How to pee-off a woman: talk to her about weight – even if it’s just her luggage!

London Heathrow to Toronto

Not flying into the US this week was of course a joyous occasion: no extra security, no reduced hand baggage allowances, no full body pat-downs, no quick crotch-pats, and no having to reef my dress above my waist to be checked for explosive underwear. Yes, it was truly a sedate experience. Even the Air Canada flight was so empty (a total of 50 passengers in economy -lucky I wasn’t one of them!) that Exec First couldn’t take any upgrades because the weights would have been off-balance and we may not have kept our noses in the air for the full duration of the flight.

It was an almost freakishly lonely experience and in fact, arriving at Pearson yesterday was almost a little scary; no queues for immigration, no other flight arrivals, and just the very pleasant sound of music being pumped through the speakers at the luggage carousel rather than the usual airport announcements. It was as if the entire airport was on Valium. There I stood, surveying the enormous baggage hall and wondering where all the travellers and customers officers were alike. Well, until one loan and very attractive policeman entered into my line of sight. Hmm, he was even looking at me. I smiled.

Of course, had I looked in the mirror after my snooze across the ocean, I would have thought twice about that smile and as he approached me, rather than smiling a little larger I would have patted down my hair and wiping the smudged mascara from below my eyes. Luckily, just as he came close to me the honking of the baggage arrival sounded and I turned to view my two very tightly packed pieces of luggage thump their way on the belt.

For a split second I forgot about the rather nice looking officer in his neatly pressed uniform and instead focused on getting my rather overweight luggage from the carousel to my trolley. I grabbed each in turn and tossed them off the belt to the ground. The police officer to my surprise was not amused.

“Madam, Can I help you with that?
“No thanks” I whispered, without looking up thinking he was being a gentleman. “I can handle it just fine”

His two black shiny boots appeared at my feet and I thought, how nice of him to offer, he must be having a quiet day. And then came his question. One of the few questions that can send my mood from zero to sixty in a split second and remove all semblance of pleasantness from my vocabulary with little effort.

“Why is your luggage so heavy?” He politely but firmly demanded.
“Because I travel with too much crap” I spat back, no thought of his nice looking face that I’d noticed just minutes earlier in the distance.

“But why does your luggage have so much stuff in it?” he again enquired. By this time I was eye to eye with him and his face was looking a little more red than I remembered as he approached.

I then did what I so often do when I’m irritated: launch into a completely incomprehensible blabber of events that took place leading up to my having to travel with 32 (correction…31.9) KG’s of luggage times 2. The nice looking policeman now looked a little surprised, maybe even confused, or possibly just thought he’d stumbled on a raving lunatic and was now sorry he had opened his mouth.

I was unimpressed. The weight of my luggage was an ongoing point of irritation for the past 22 years of air travel. I believed one should travel with what ever one really would like to. Most other people including friends, family, check-in staff, taxi drivers, and colleagues, believed restraint was in order and luggage limits were in place for a reason. I believe, that’s what airline status is for, to overcome all those objections!

The policeman still stared at me and asked again why my luggage looked like it weighed so much, this time changing his phrase slightly.
“What are you travelling with that makes your luggage so heavy?”
“Stuff! Clothing, winter wear, shoes, boots, books, cosmetics” my mind was busy recalling all that was contained in side my overstuffed luggage.

Then came what I thought was the most unusual question I’d ever been asked, which made me think to my current physical appearance that I validated upon my arrival home a little later. I must have looked a mess!
“Are you sure you are not carrying agricultural supplies or equipment?”

Without a thought, the only words that found their way out of my mouth, were these:
“Do I look like a farmer’s daughter!?!” More a statement than a question I was clearly not happy with his line of enquiry.

“Oh, no madame” he said almost embarrassed. “OK, you have a nice day, sorry to bother you” The nice police officer replied and walked away as quickly as he had arrived at my feet.

While many women have issues when discussions move to the subject of their weight, I however, do not. Unless the words luggage and weight are contained in the same sentence and then you might just as well be standing between a hippo and water; the resulting onslaught is never a pretty site, no matter how shiny your shoes are or how nice your face looks.

Weight should never be discussed in public or at airports if you ask me and my later taxi driver had clearly learned that lesson, chosing only to say “wow, do you have gold bars in here?” a much more pleasant way to announce his surprise at the weight of my bags. Bless those who understand and may the rest …. burn in lost luggage hell!

One man can change the world – just wrap your genitals in explosives and watch how it happens.

Toronto to Salt Lake City a few weeks ago:

Anyone who travelled through Pearson International Airport in Toronto the first official back to work day of the year was witness to living proof that one man can in fact change the world. As I embarked on my first ‘Up in the Air’ experience for 2010 (thank you George Clooney), it was clear that the repulsive attempt to bring down a US plane by one man (read kid with a mass murderer profile) travelling out of Amsterdam over the holidays, has managed to change yet again the way airport and airline security operates across our planet, and as such, inconvenience an entire world of passengers.

Well, change may be a strong word…perhaps focus is the word to use given nothing really has changed. There is just more of it – more checks, more people and more pat downs. The only thing that is less is the space you have to carry your on-board items in given a small purse and a laptop is pretty much it (thank god this has changed again since this post was first written week one of 2010). But this despicable individual certainly has put the world of airline transportation into a spin and is once again putting pressure on its leadership to look for real change in the way they do business. Proof positive of the profound affects an individual can have on the entire world – good or bad.

Being one of the thousands who travelled out of Pearson yesterday, let me run you through this ever hillarious – if it weren’t so serious) experience.

I started my day by looking at the bright side. The hordes of RCMP having been enlisted to assist with Torontos plight to get people on their planes safely and rapidly must surely find it pleasant to be stationed within the walls of a heated airport terminal as the outside temperatures hit a low of minus 20 degrees C (with wind chill of course). And, getting a firsthand glimpse into the array of creative items the public chooses to travel with must offer some semblance of humour to even the toughest of Mounty’s (do you really need that box of condoms on board with you – true, the woman – not man – in front of me was carrying them in her purse but who am I to judge what is a necessary air travel item.

Firstly, but not necessarily in order of magnitude, we’ve been communicated to for the last 7 days about the importance of getting to the airport early – Canadians are extremely compliant with the wishes of authorities and so they did their job – broadcasting their instructions 24/7 to would be travellers. “We are advising all passengers to get to the airport at least 3-4 hours before their flight so congestion levels through security don’t cause flight delays or worse still cause you to miss your flight”.

I heed the words of those in charge and arrive at 10 am for a 2pm flight. Yes, 4 hours ahead, am I crazy?! Happily, it takes about 4.5 minutes to check in and the place seems remarkably quiet – great – I walk to the entry point for US immigration with 3 hours, 54 minutes and 30 seconds to go. Phew! So far so good. But that’s where it all goes horribly wrong.

As I approach the doors I note throngs of people standing around. No one is moving. It’s then apparent that there is a queue albeit squashed into a large, hovering group, of disgruntled looking travellers. Wow – they must really be backlogged at immigration. Then a commanding voice bellows over the loudspeaker system – OK, it is Canada, a politely spoken almost apologetic voice starts warning people of the process ahead. “If you have already checked in (yes – tick), have your boarding pass (yes -tick), and your luggage tagged (yes -tick), you may kindly proceed through to US customs and immigration (yeah – I start walking) BUT ONLY IF YOU ARE ON ONE OF THE FOLLOWING FLIGHTS (I stop walking) OR IF YOU HAVE A FLIGHT DEPARTING AT 12 NOON”. It then dawns on me; If I get here 4 hours or two hours or 1 hour ahead of time concerns no one. I will not pass go, I will not see the happy smiling face of a US immigration officer (OK, forget the smile), I will not enter the wonderfully appointed Air Canada lounge anytime soon.

Sadly, I realize I will be sitting in the discomfort of an airport chair making no progress at all for the next 2 hours as I make another startling realization – terminal designers don’t invest in chairs! Alternatively, if you are Paul Gross (remember the Mounty on TV?) whom I noticed walk past me at about 11 am – one hour into my hurry up and wait time – life is easier. He was greeted with a lovely smile by the security girl and entered US immigration with no worries. I wondered what time his flight was.

 To my surprise, I am told by a lovely and polite Canadian lady behind me at information that I can in fact only take a small ladies purse through security rather than the rather average sized laptop bag I transferred all my worldly purse belongings into to enable me to have only one carry on item and carry my laptop at the same time. I comply again and heed her words. I scurry off and buy a small purse big enough to squeeze a laptop in but not my book, or any extraneous items for my journey and I am surrounded by people also buying luggage. It has clearly been a stellar start to the year for the one small luggage shop in the terminal. I squash my Monocle laptop bag (as in Monocle Magazine – I loved their piece on airlines and how they need to get their act together and quit moaning about the cards they’ve been dealt, fix their industry and get on with life).

So after my two hour wait outside US immigration and my tour of the baggage store, my flight is called. I speed into action. To the defence of the US immigration staff, they do a stellar job of moving people through fairly rapidly. Given the number of passengers now in the hall and the queue starting at the door, it takes about 40 minutes to get through – but remember that it’s a fact queue time is exaggerated by people in the queue, 5 minutes can feel like 40! So although I know it was a long time, don’t quote me.

Now I’m at security. It is miraculously fast, efficient and low stress proving that throwing people at a problem can fix it, if one is not concerned with cost. Again the terrorists seem to be winning – If you can’t blow up a plane, let’s just bleed all those infidel dogs (don’t they call us that?) dry of every last scrap of money they have after they start to recover from the crappiest economic times since The Great Depression. But my beef is not the cost, it is the hundreds of laptop bags I now see around me, many larger than the distant memory I have of the one I sat on to fit it into my little carry-on sized Tummi luggage that I was made to check. I ask security if in fact I could have taken my laptop bag and they confirm ‘yes’.

So at 1:20 pm when I finally made it to enjoy the Air Canada lounge for about 7.5 minutes (sans laptop bag of course) before rushing off for my next dose of security searches, I noticed Mr Gross reclining in the comforts of the Air Canada lounge. Something tells me his flight was not cancelled. No, celebrity-dom has its perks. One would think he was curing cancer, but I doubt that would have gotten anyone a jump start through immigration today, that is left only for celebrities, after all, their time is of course more precious than ours.

So my final ‘touch’ point with security is now the throngs of RCMP lining the only free aisle to the boarding gates – albeit some very attractive ones in their Sunday best uniforms, a nice change I think from the usual airport personnel …oh, no offense of course but nothing beats a man in uniform…er… OK, policeman in uniform. Here we are segregated into queues of male and female to ensure no boys germs are inflicted on unsuspecting female passengers and three women inspect my belongings, pat me up including a hand on my crotch (I now understand why we’ve been segregated) causing me to remember the explosives wrapped around the man who changed the worlds’ genitals, and, with much relief, I am finally on my way.

But it was of course the noticeable lack of progress the airline security business has made that is most noticeable today. In fact, it leaves me feeling bewildered that boards and governments the world over are continuing to allow these leaders to remain in place. There is a serious need for leadership succession to fight this serious problem, and clearly a need for leadership innovation.

Wow – today’s airline travel-log is really a case study in poor communication, incorrect information, poor processes, no continuous improvement methodology and most of all, poor leadership. The people on the ground are doing the best they can to execute their bosses wishes. At this point I am reminded of one of the stories in the book Start Up Nation. It describes how a small Israeli company addressed online fraud – It was not the people sitting with the problem who solved the problem, but the people who had solved similar problems in another arena who came up with a greater and more appropriate solution. Clearly they see past the trees. Perhaps we need to get a group of ex-Isreali soldiers together to solve this problem and make one of them the CEO of airline security worldwide? Couldn’t be worse than the current results, surely?

OK, one last thought. It is a well known fact (well, well known to some) that a smile is contagious. People served with a smile in restaurants report feeling much more satisfied with their meals than people who were served by people who did not smile. Hmmm…. perhaps we could have just used a few more smiles today rather than the one lone smile I saw flashed at Paul Gross as he breezed into immigration as if he held the cure for cancer. No offence Paul, hey – if you’ve got it, flaunt it. I only wish I’d got it. Or perhaps you have a Nexus card. I need to get one.

I want my body scanner!

Spare a thought this week for those of your employees who are testing their powers of patience as they make their way through the grade school lines of girl boy segregation at Toronto’s Pearson airport en route to the US. This Greek tragedy in the making is of course full of comedic humour including my own tales of the crotch patting security on the 4th day of the year to the raising of the dress above the waist line in search of explosives deposits on this the 17th day of the year (more on that later but yes it was my dress as well). This year’s air travel for frequent flyers who are generally workers simply making their weekly commute to the office, wherever that might be, will be marked once again with new security rules, as well as unusual acts to foil security violations and attempted terrorist plots. While it is a serious situation I can’t help but find humour in the ridiculousness of the airline and security industries handling of this problem.

The sad news is of course that this will go on until the airline industry can jettison its way out of this proverbial flying circus. It’s no surprise that 2009 saw airliners lose a startling $11 billion. Each week I travel I see more and more reasons why; poor systems, processes and people performance from the moment you enter an airport until you de-board and exit at your final destination . Of course, I continue to look to leadership for both the exorbitant losses and the poorly performing systems, processes and people. Until today I would have been happy if United could simply fix their inability to connect my luggage with its next flight as I transit through Chicago each Friday night and find my bag does not, but today was the event that made me laugh the loudest so far and almost forget about my lost luggage. Admittedly, its only my fourth trip into the US this year so I’m sure there will be many more humorous events sad as they are, to come.

So if you will, please close your eyes for a moment and imagine my surprise as I stood in what I thought was the most practical of clothing to ease my efforts through security a few sundays ago: a jersey dress, no belt, no big jackets, the usual female underwear and a pair of winter tights……

“Madame please place your articles on the table” the young TSA (is that what they’re called in Canada?) employee requested. I complied raising my arms at both sides ready for my pat-down.
“That won’t be necessary” she said ever so softly. Oh, I thought, that’s a first. So I raised my foot behind me almost automatically steadying and ready for her to examine the soles of my shoes.
“That won’t be necessary” she once again said. The look on her face caused me to stop and await my instructions.

“Please raise your dress and place your hands into your pants and rub them around your waist then place them in front of you like this” she demonstrated holding her palms up on the table in front of her. Did I hear her correctly I thought as I looked more carefully into her eyes for confirmation that she was indeed serious. For a moment I wondered if this was in fact a new Reality TV Show or I was on a form of Candid Camera, but no, her expressionless face made it quite clear, she was waiting for me to once again comply.

As it registered to me that this was a serious request I couldn’t contain my surprise or my laugh. She was not amused. Here I stood alongside the several dozen other air travellers standing at tables with a two to one ratio of security to passenger, a man directly opposite me at the next table and one to my right, as well two women to my left, and I was being asked to raise my dress above my waist and put my hands into my tights and pants to provide her with evidence of the explosives I may have packed into my Marks & Spencers underwear, should there be any. Hmmm, I thought, might I have a profile that says I would wrap my buttocks in explosive underwear?? Perhaps, why else would I be in this situation. And so, what else can one do at this point, but comply.

There I stood, surrounded by people as I reefed up my dress to my midriff exposing not only my very practical winter nylons with the seams of the sewn in crotch they contained visible to all, but also my bare naked belly and the outline of my underwear, thighs, bottom and waist for all to see. I’m sure the man at the next table could spot the cellulite through my tights – clearly I’d not been complying with my exercise routine, damn it I now wish I had!

I guess it was at this point I wondered what country I was actually in, but more importantly, where were the full body scanners for surely they would make this experience less personal and certainly less exposing for me than the position I currently found myself in. All I needed now was the ever expectant pat down that if it were consistent with last week which thankfully it was not, would include a quick feel of my, well, read another of my blogs for that story, as they inspected my underwear up close to make doubly sure I was not wrapped in explosives. Incredible I thought, a brilliant way to start the work week, exposed! At this point, I also wondered what tales of the unexpected might my next journey bring given the slow but steady change in techniques I was now witness to each week.

And now back to the more serious. If your employees were travelling into the US  these past few weeks, stop to see how much earlier they left their homes and families, how long they queued waiting ever so expectantly for their personal pat down and whether their luggage arrived given all must be checked at this point leaving them with little but the clothes on their backs if the unfortunate happens and they fly United and find themselves going through Chicago. Try not to find too much humour in their journey, because for them, it could bring them closer to the exit row of your company if they simply don’t want the hassle anymore, the most common conversation overheard as they snack on their quota of four little in a two by two inch packet and a coke.

Fortunately, I enjoy the stories these moments create, stories I can tell over a glass of wine with fellow frequent flyers while exchanging the various frequent club cards – thank you George Clooney – where are you when I’m up in the air?

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